Growing up, we weren’t allowed to answer the phone. That was my mom’s job. She didn’t just “screen” our calls – she stalked them. She wasn’t above picking up the extension to eavesdrop like a one-woman wiretap operation. For the longest time, my siblings and I thought she had supermom powers and just knew what we were up to. She acted like she was the Amazing Kreskin when, in reality, she was more Cindy Brady. If a boy happened to call for me, my dad would suddenly appear, grab the receiver, and bark, “She doesn’t live here,” before slamming it down. FBI-level surveillance meets nightclub-bouncer energy. Needless to say, my friends hated calling our house.

Fast-forward to today, and it turns out that kind of nosiness isn’t just a family quirk – it’s basically at the top of the list of rude smartphone behavior. A new survey shows that snooping on someone else’s phone is considered the rudest thing you can do, even more disrespectful than blasting your music or conducting your entire life on speakerphone in public.

But as I’ve learned from a new survey, answering your smartphone at dinner isn’t even the rudest thing we do anymore. Oh no, friends. We’ve leveled up.

According to PCMag, three out of four Americans think it’s unacceptable to use the speakerphone in public, which makes sense because nobody needs to hear your Walgreens prescription refill while waiting for their latte. However, the latest gossip about cousin Laura’s wedding drama – yes, please turn it up!  Apparently, though, one out of four people think it’s fine, which suggests that these are the same individuals who are convinced their conversations are a gift to humanity.

Yes, you guessed it, I live with one of those people, except mine doesn’t even need a speakerphone. My husband’s “indoor voice” could double as the emergency broadcast system. The man could whisper and still register on the Richter scale. If I’m in the middle of a juicy show or, God forbid, trying to work, he’ll fire up a full-volume phone call in the same room, as if I’m desperate to hear every detail. Because obviously what I really want is a play-by-play on the baseball playoffs and home-field advantage while he assaults some poor soul’s eardrum at top volume.

And yet, I’m a total hypocrite. If I catch a juicy conversation on speaker in the Target aisle, I will absolutely start following the person to hear how it unfolds. It’s like live theater with free admission. The problem is, I get so wrapped up in their drama that I forget why I came to the store in the first place and wander around like a lost extra. Not exactly ideal for someone with ADD.

Speakerphone warriors and bathroom selfie-takers aside, PCMag says the absolute rudest thing you can do with your phone is snoop through someone else’s. Ninety-two percent of people agree it’s a hard no. And yet, 16 percent think it’s okay to scroll through their partner’s texts, probably while they’re also playing TikTok out loud at max volume.

I don’t snoop. Not because I’m noble, but because if my husband’s phone is anything like his voice, I already know what’s in there.

And speaking of snooping, let’s talk about tracking apps. My kids once installed a location tracker on my and my husband’s phones without telling us. For months, I thought they just had good memories, and I’d forgotten to tell them where I was. Nope. They were spying. Had I known, I would’ve started “checking in” every night at the local strip club just to give them something to chew on at family dinners. Let that sink into their imagination.

And if being stalked by my own kids wasn’t bad enough, smartphones still find new ways to wreck my day. Proof, once again, that even genius technology can be the dumbest thing in the room.

Smartphones are the very definition of a necessary evil. They’re maps, cameras, calendars, therapists, and occasionally doorstops. They’re also the world’s biggest etiquette disaster. Yesterday, it was smart bulbs turning my house into an accidental escape room slash 70s rave club. Today, it’s smartphones reminding me that humans will find a way to make even genius technology insufferable.

Forget the surveys, the rudest smartphone user alive is already in my living room, shouting into his phone like he’s calling plays at Soldier Field. Smartphones may be a necessary evil, but my husband on speakerphone is the seventh circle of hell.